6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
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Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”