A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
You Might Also Like
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
*watches the world burn*
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
termite twitter scares me
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.