[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
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DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]