Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
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i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists