If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
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Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My therapist after every session
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time