Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
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I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Fidel Castro was alive?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
They’re on their honeymoon
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant