Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
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The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok