Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
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“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.