GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
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Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*