Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
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I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.