Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
You Might Also Like
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Did…did a minotaur write this
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.