Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night