Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
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My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
#NoRestForTheWicked
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Denise please return my vape pen
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.