there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
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Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)