Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
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Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Beware of the dog..
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?