Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
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*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave