I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
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if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
nice challenge
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly