I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
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I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Yup….perfect score!
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade