In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
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Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”