Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
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Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Happy thanksgiving!
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what