Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
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Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Sunday
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Tough love is true love
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.