OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
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Me driving through Toronto
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
We all have our pet causes.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.