“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
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15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.