You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
You Might Also Like
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
blocked.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit