My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
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[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.