If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
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Bootstraps
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism