Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
satan: not today, microsoft teams
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone