mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
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HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.