First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.