A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
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japanese corn
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
#winning
stop
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor