Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
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where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.