If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
lost dog
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.