bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
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I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.