*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
You Might Also Like
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
New mindset, who dis?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food