Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
not seeing the problem
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
A roof is a house hat.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Perfect
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.