His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie