NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
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Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.