[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
You Might Also Like
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Krampus.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?