A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
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At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.