I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
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If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Always
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings