You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
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No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Finally!
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.