Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
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[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now