wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
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Seems a bit forward
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
dude it’s called proctologist
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.