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Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him