99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
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[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I just love that new Pope smell.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐