I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
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Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.