At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
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him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Passwords are more important than ever.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.