My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I did not eat the cake…
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Labreador
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.