Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
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Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
This is amazing.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.