[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
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Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?